i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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