Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
