She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
