I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
