Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
