A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
