All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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