Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
