There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
