just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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