If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
