Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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