just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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