So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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