Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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