Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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