I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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