New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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