thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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