Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the condom got lost in my hair
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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