im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
