apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
we should paint friendship bongs
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