I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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