Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
