just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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