I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
