I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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