I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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