My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
