So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
