she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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