Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
