i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Boobs speak an international language.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
