: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
