Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
