I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
