Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's rum buckets o'clock
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
