i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
