The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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