It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
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