1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
