Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
