Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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