3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
