I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
