I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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