I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
