If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
