i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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