$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
